(KFE Newswire) August 2, 2007
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Medical News You Can Use: The Eyes Have It
The medical research division of the IPCC says that there is growing evidence that global warming may impact
human vision. For decades it's been known that the aqueus humor, or, fluid in the eyeball, freezes at about -70
degrees farenheit. The IPCC report states that in some equatorial urban areas, where warming is most pronounced, the
humor is actually expanding, thus resulting in bulging eyeballs. "This is no laughing matter" says
the spokesman. "Much more research will be necessary on the serious issue of eyeball humor".
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(KFE Newswire) August 3, 2007
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Is That Frankenschteen?
In a breakthrough study that is certain to raise alarm, the Medical Research Division of the IPCC has found that because of global warming, humans will become less sensative to dangerous heat sources. A spokesperson for the research group told KFE, "As the atmosphere warms, the human body will adapt it's internal thermal regulating
system to adjust to the mean environmental temperature, thus raising the threshold for the body's ability to feel pain.
For example, it may take several seconds to realize that touching a stove can cause injuring." He goes on to say,
"Seriously, think of Peter Boyle's character in 'Young Frankenstein', where it takes Bolye the better part of 7.3 seconds to realize that instead of lighting a cigar that he has ignited his finger. Also, remember when he spilled the hot soup in his lap and despite the sizzling of the hot soup, it took Boyle 6.8 seconds to realize that his next generation might be at risk. That's how seriously we are taking this and all other global warming issues.
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(KFE Newswire) August 1, 2007
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Up in Arms from Toyko to Carson City
Still more alarming news is surfacing from the Medical Research Division of the IPCC. Dr. Sydney
Bardanski told
KFE that a new syndrome has been document, one in which global warming is the likely cause. People
are being observed worldwide and in increasing numbers, with their arms sticking straight out.
"There is no doubt that global warming is behind this. The science is settled", says Bardanski,
"From Tokyo to Carson City, Nevada, it's all the same,
folks with suprised looks and with their arms perpendicular to the body's verticle axis. Why,
turning quickly, they could easily slap someone in the face or poke an eye out".
The report indicates that increased warming is forcing blood to reach people's extremities at an anomolous rate causing higher pressure to force the arms to spring upward, in an uncontrolled manner. It also suggests that the societal impact will be far reaching. "Everyone will appear to be looking for a handout. Drivers will always look like they are about to make a left turn, except in England and Australia
where it will look like they are attempting a right turn. In the winter time, for goodness sake,
nobody will be able to standup when they slip and fall, and nobody will be able to help them either".
In public, the New England Journal of Medicine is keeping the research findings at arm's length.
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(KFE Newswire) August 21, 2007
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Al Gore Agrees to Global Warming Debate
After 10,273.5 requests, Al Gore has agreed to debate a five year old boy, sven Jumpin' Hjiminy. The subject; global warming.
While Mr. Gore has clearly stated that the science is settled, he has agreed to challenge the child,
stating that the international community should become familiar with the language that his
great great great gandfather, Yrin prgin Groejorshield transformed from a
crude form of pig latin into the most complex dialect on earth. It has also been decided
that Mr. Gore will, himself, act as interpreter for the boy, being well aquainted with the language.
The topics discussed will include,
"Multiproxy reconstructions of millennium temperature trends"
"Ultraviolet radiation and ozone chemistry and its relationship the circumpolar vortex"...and
"Inverse relationship of cosmic ray nuetrons and solar activity and mediation of water droplet nucleation for low clouds."
It has also been agreed that each contesant will be allowed one phone call, per subject, to an expert of their choice. Mr. Gore
has chosen James Hanson of Nasa and the boy, the manager of the Chuck E. Cheese in Oslo, where he spends
many Saturday mornings. However, in the boy's case, the phone call will be a duration
limited by the expense of long distance phone call to Norway. At 46 cents per minute, he will be held to an amount of time that represents the dollar equivalent of 27 cents, the boys weekly allowance and all that he afford.
Finally, because of the difference in height and bulbous width of one of the contestents, a group of moderators from a small country in Africa will act as observers, while suspended from the ceiling. They will be known as the
"Hanging Chads"
Miley Smarsh- |
(KFE Newswire) August 26, 2007
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Spontaneous Combustion On the Rise
The CDC today reported on an alarming rise in the number of spontaneous combustion cases among the population during the summer months in the last few years, which it attributes to global warming. Over 150 such cases were reported this summer alone tripled the cases in 2006.
Most of the incidences were with outdoor workers, joggers and sportsmen and recently riders in automobiles without air conditioning.
 The problem is not limited to humans as the number of reported cases of spontaneous combustion of farm animals and strays has also suddenly increased. For cattle, the fire often starts with flatulence. The methane ignites in the heat and build back to engulf the animal.
The CDC advises avoidance of sunshine during the hottest part of the day (from 11am to 3 pm). For automobiles, a safety kit should include a dry chemical fire extinguisher. For sun worshippers, the CDC notes that chemical protection creams meant to block the sun may actually make matters worse acting as an accelerant.
Farmers have begun putting their animals in the barn during the heat of the day. Said one farmer, everyone enjoys a barbeque but not exactly this way.
Miley Smarsh- |
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