(WEP) June 7, 2007, 15:21am
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Global Warming Affect
on National Pastime
 Global
warming has taken a new turn and is now recognized as having a serious impact on
America's national pastime. It has now been documented that the number of home runs hit by major
league baseball players has risen dramatically since the early 1990s. Until now, the increased
power numbers have been attributed to the effect of anabolic steroids and similar compounds that
cause an increase in a player's ability to hit a baseball farther. In an ironic and alarming report
issued by the international sports division of the International Panel on Climate Change, the actual
cause of the increase is due to an increase in home runs in lock step with increase in global
temperatures.
This would seem to vindicate allegations pending against baseball stars including Barry Bonds,
Samy Sosa, Mark Maguire and others, scandalized and brought before a largely Reublican house sub
committee two years ago.
"I knew it all along, quipped Bonds". "Hillary Clinton talked about a vast right wing conspiracy?
Well, here's proof of it. I'm a person of color and a democrat"
As usual Maguire was tight lipped on the subject, suggesting to reporters that they move on to a
more constructive subject.
Baseball commisioner Budd Selig is more sanguine, suggesting that what is being considered a
negative can actually enhance the game, stating that fans of the sport enjoy more offense. When
reporters peppered the commisioner with data showing predictions of just how far baseballs may be
hit in the future, Mr. Selig was ready, having already been briefed on the report. When asked by
one reporter from the Sporting News how the game would adjust to projected tape measure shots of
1052 feet by the year 2020, the commisioner quickly responded by stating that the fences would be
moved a comporable distance and that the foul poles would be moved to right center and left center
fields to narrow the amount of fair territory.
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"This would only be done in the outfield, while
infields would remain the same, creating a double diamond effect. Selig followed "This would also
increase the seating capacity at most ballparks, making the game for fans with at least 10/20 vision
a better look at the game" Selig also said that MLB would do it's part to cut down on carbon dioxide,
a well known green house villain. "Each player will be encouraged to breath less while running in the
outfield and running out ground balls. In fact, teams will be monitored and those with players with
fitness levels that are less tha ideal with be imposed with a carbon emmisions tax".
When asked
whether this would unfair to such players as the popular David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox, Selig
responded "We've spoken to the players union and players such as David will be offered a special
suit to play in that will be fitted with tanks that trap their unhealthy co2 emmisions. They will
have a special category on team rosters called 'Batters in a Bubble"
 More alarming is the threat from rising sea levels, threatening to swamp fields and rendering
the game into an endless stream of flood outs. But Selig had an answer. "We will simply tilt the
fields towards home plate. This will offset the increased power of the batter by making him run up
hill, and allowing the fielders to run down hill, starting from the fence, Players will be fitted
with binoculars during the day and with night vision goggles at night, so that they will actually
be able to see home plate. Additionally, the pitchers mound will be moved in by ten feet and
raised 8 feet to stay safely above the IPCC forecast of a 10 inch rise in sea level that will
particularily affect ballparks such as 'Coors Field' in Denver. All in all Selig believes that as
with all other industries, Major League will learn to adapt to a dangerous time through innovation
and cooperation within a brave new world.
A footnote, Sammy Sosa said that even when he was growing up in the Dominican Republic he was a
big fan of Al Gore, not only because he is a great American but that he knew that Mr. Gore's
great great grandfather Albert Doubleday Gore invented the game. He then tipped his cap.
burped and grabbed his crotch before sinking into, ironically, a hot tub.
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(UP) June 9, 2007 - News Alert-Washington D.C.
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Worker's are at Risk of Termination over "Baby Cakes and More"
Global warming activists are urging consumers to think twice while considering a trip to the company
vending machine. In a civel lawsuit against a leader in the industry "Baby Cakes and More", lawyers
are contending that worker's are at risk of termination and corporations are oblivious to the loss of
productivity caused by "BCAM's" tacit complicity with other industries that are unwilling to convert
their technology to more eco-friendly systems.It is reported that in a class action lawsuit, PETA
the SIERRA CLUB and the TEAMSTERS UNION are united on several fronts against the company in a
watershed legal action.
The law firm of "Dewey, Cheatem and Howe" have filed a petition with the district court in Walla
Walla, Washington, contending the following: In the face of mounting evidence of general warming,
the company is allowing many products in their vending machines to soften and in some cases
partially melt, becoming congealed to their wrappers and causing workers to peel the product from the
plastic covering, lick their fingers and unwittingly run the risk of smearing chocolate frosting on
 their faces. They claim irreperable harm, in the case of middle managers and other executives and to
their peers and subordinates, when returning to the working environment, only to be mocked and
discredited by their co-workers. The products most notable in this regard include, Ding Dongs,
Ho Ho's, Hostess Cup Cakes and Ring Dings. Attorney Huey Dewey says that one item, Hostess Twinkies
are not a risk because as he puts it, "It has been known for decades that only a cokroach and a
twinkie can survive the heat of a nuclear bomb". Also on the list of safe products include
"Gummi Bears" and "Texas Big Toast".
It is reported that PETA is strongly urging BCAM to eliminate Gummi Bears from their product
line because it sends a bad message to youngsters that bears are exempt from the ravages of
 global warming, citing the decline in the polar bear population. BCAM counters that their bears,
barely resemble a polar bear because their ears stick out, contrary to the little pointed ears
on a real polar bear. PETA counters that the red color of the bears suggests that even the most
furry polar bear can be sun burned in a time of global warming, and when the bears are forced to
lower latitudes and that they must wear sunglasses as a disguise from other bears.
The litigious parties are also urging companies doing business with BCAM to consider another
aspect of this problem. In clerical environments, computer data entries are being slowed by
workers sticky fingers and that the risk of disease and therefore worker sick days will
increase as a result of the workers licking their fingers and then touching their key pads.
An industry study has estimated productivity loses as a result of this problem at 15.2 billion
dollars annually, enough to transfer all remaing polar bears to Antarctica, the only habitat
remaining for their very survival.
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(WEP) July 19, 2007
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"Pokie", "The Polar Bear Bath Tub Buddy".
RHONCO enterprises, in cooperation with the IPCC, Peta and the National Endowment for Education and the Promotion of Education of Children, announces a material breakthrough that combines wildlife awareness and
the dangers from global warming. With the guidancce of these disperse organizations, RHONCO has integrated a
set of moral directives and peasurable, instructive play toys that demonstrate the interelationship between the world around us, wildlife, and man's insidious impact on them. Hilighting this campaign is the development
of RHONCO's featured product, "Pokie", "The Polar Bear Bath Tub Buddy".
 Pokie is a realistic looking little fellow, and while miniatuarized, has a stunning resemblance to it's lifesize
brethren. The fuzzy fellow has some endearing features, almost human, that will enhance the bonding experience with children ,who's ages range from 2 to 5 years old. He smiles and bows, scratches and belches politely and while covering his litle mouth, he says softly, "Scuze Me". And, for example, when a youngster experiences that age old right of passage from diapers to big boys pants, Pokie salutes the youngster with vigor. Yet, there is a more sober agenda for our environmentally friendly fellow, for he is an inspiration for change,a beacon for social and environmental issues. The bear
acts out, in a realistic manner, the plight and peril,of life in the arctic for it's real life brethren.
It all happens within the tub. A child will be frolicking and bonding with the little guy, that coos and burbbles,
sighs and purrs until a fatal flaw is exacted in the bathtub by a careless, unaware caregiver or an unwitting
innoscent child. The water temperature becomes too hot. Suddenly the bear wheezes, gaspes and ultimately
sinks, arms outstretched and appearing dead. So as to not tramatize the child and to merely forewarn the child of the perils ahead, the bear
will simply pop to the water's surface and with a big smile salute the youngster with a smile and a
wink. Sometimes, in celebration of it's survival, Pokie will light up a cigar, in remembrance of
famed Boston Celtics basketball coach, Red Aurbache, who would perform a similar act upon the teams
victory. In other cases, when especially and easily tramatized children are identified, the little
bear will merely wave a little white flag showing alarm.
Focus groups have been peformed to tailor a suitable product for children during formative years. In
one forum, 20 youngsters were situated and carefully monitored, focusing on their reactions to various
reactions by the bear. Upon the sinking of one bear, 2, 3 year olds who raised their hands and a one
year old, left to have their diapers changed. Two adult IPCC members and a PETA representative
replaced the youngsters. The experiment was then recreated and when the sinking bear sequence
again played out, the PETA representative raised his hand.
"POKIE", the Polar Bear Bathtup Buddy", a fine member of any eco friendly family's collection of
educational toys and without sharp edges to poke your eye out. (Rhonco $24.95)
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(UP) July 26, 2007 - Boston,Ma.
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FAA joins chorus of concern over global warming.
 An unidentified Federal Aviation Administration official reportedly has voiced the agencies growing unease with the implications of long term global warming. Citing a number of internal memos within the agency, the official
states that the concern is centered on the anticipated necessity by municipal and private airports to
lengthen runways. Anticipated warming will reduce aircraft the ability to become airborne,
within standard
runway distances. The spokesman says that FAA engineers have calculated that by the year 2020,
the average runway will need to be lengthened by 217%, in some cases more.
Of particular concern in Denver's Stapleton Airport, already with runway lengths anomolous to usual
standards.
"Our concern is that aircraft will never be able to become airborn there. There's one plan to actually connect Denver's airport with Kansas City's municipal airport and taking large tracks of land by emminent domain."
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In other cities, the problem is even more daunting. Boston's Logan International Airport may,
according to the FAA spokesman, have to be increased by a length that would extend the runways
to Salem, New Hampshire in the north and Newport, Rhode Island in the south. As an offset, flights
originating in New Hampshire could bought tax free.
Further complications include the prospect that weather conditions could vary, depending on the
differing locations of the airport runways. A heavy snow warning could be in effect
in New Hampshire, while fog and rain is occuring in Boston. "No problem" , says the spokesman,
"By then, there won't be any snow in New Hampshire.
The NWS will implement a replacement Wind Chill Temperature (WCT) index for the 2001/2002 winter season. The reason for the change is to improve upon the current WCT Index used by the NWS and the Meteorological Services of Canada (MSC, the Canadian equivalent of the NWS), which is currently based on the 1945 Siple and Passel Index.
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(IP) August 1, 2007- Boulder, Colorado
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Global Warming May Cause Time to Slow Down
An internal memo by the NIST and leaked to KFE, shows alarm by the nations timekeepers that
global warming may be causing time to slow down. The alledged internal memo states. "This is a threat to national security and to the general infrastructure of the United States". "What is unclear is if this is a newtonian,linear, or
some quantum phenomena"
The memo goes on to say that all biological, electrical and mechanical systems are being affected,
including, ironically, time pieces themselves. The official Atomic Clock is sealed in a temperature
neutral environment and is used as a "Control". Seperately, Federal Reserve Chairman Benjamin
Bernake is believed to have told a senate sub committee, behind closed doors that "This is actually
a good thing. This partially explains why world GDP has been rising so rapidly lately. Everything
relative to slowing time is speeding up."
 NIST-F1, the nation's primary time and frequency standard, is a cesium fountain atomic clock developed at the NIST laboratories in Boulder, Colorado. NIST-F1 contributes to the international group of atomic clocks that define Coordinated Universal Time (UTC), the official world time.
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(UP)-August 2, 2007
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Sasquatch Sitings have Dropped
 Some scientists for the National Wildlife Foundation appear concerned about the effect that global
warming is having on one of North America's storied animals. An unidentified caller, citing an
internal report, said that the number of Sasquatch sitings has dropped in direct relation to the
increase in global warming. More disturbing, the animal appears to be getting smaller.
When contacted by the foundation, the IPCC challenged the findings, stating that the existance
of Sasquatch has never been proved and that the data is flawed.  The foundation biologist was
undettered stating, "The fact that global warming is absolutely conclusive proves that Sasquatch
exists, because if there was no global warming, sasquatch would not be going extinct" The IPCC
scientist, Byron Garfield, patiently held his ground. "While absolute global warming is a certainty
and the debate has ended, it is unclear, as to whether, other, until now, unqualified, yet underlying
mitigating circumstances relative to the advancement or decline of a yet undetermined yet
systematically observed phenomena is yet presently understood to be inversley proportional to other
contemporanious phenomena".
And so the controversy has ended.
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For years, Claphouse claims that he has provided these unique chickens a more viable quality of
life, one that would otherwise be one of misery, by inflating them with carbon dioxide.
Claphouse says "We treat these birds as unique individuals, not as bird brains. If we didn't
inflate them, they would be just lying around in the sun and in misery" Instead, claphouse
maintains that the chickens live lives of dignity and with at least some mobility. "It keeps
the predators away. otherwise they'd be sitting ducks", maintains claphouse. Peta and the IPCC
sub committee on the ethical treatment of wildlife disagree. The IPCC maintains that some of the
Carbon Dioxide leaks out of the birds which need to be reiflated about once a week. "It's no
different that inflating a bicycle tire", maintains Seymour Burlingham, the committee chairperson.
"These birds require about 40 bounds of pressure per square inch. Alot of co2 escapes into thin air,
adding to the high concentraion of this known greenhouse gas and one that is especially
prevalent in the stagnant airmasses in the south". Burlingame believes that the practice should
stopped and the chickens allowed to live a more "natural" life. Claphouse remained adamant.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Everyone knows that the whole world is a restaurant,
not just your local KFC down the street. Those little fellers would be goners in the wink of an
eye."
"PETA spokesperson, Murial Stump is appalled. "This is an aggregious act of barbarism and needs to
be stopped immediately."
against the
graphical representation of a hockey stick by global warming research of climatologist
Michael Mann. The complaint says that ireparable harm is being inflicted on the league
by the subliminal message suggested by the stick, that warming could cause arena ice to melt,
causing the game to become slower. It also suggests that most NHL sticks are curved and when
seen in profile would depict a curving and dropping of the slope of the on the right side.
"We're
faced with a real challenge here. Obviously, there will be serious flooding here.
The water is likely to come right up out of the ground. So, we know we have do something. Do we
sandbag?. If so, do we sandbag vertically or horizontally? Vertically would be the easy solution
by creating a perimeter. However, the water is going to come up from below, so we'll have to
cover the city with sandbags.
